The Art of Reading People Read online

  The Art of Reading People:

  How to Deal with Toxic People and Manipulation to Avoid (or End) an Abusive Relation

  Positive Psychology Coaching Series

  Copyright © 2019 by Ian Tuhovsky

  Author’s blog: www.mindfulnessforsuccess.com

  Author’s Amazon profile: amazon.com/author/iantuhovsky

  Instagram profile: https://instagram.com/mindfulnessforsuccess

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  Important

  The book is not intended to provide medical advice or to take the place of medical advice and treatment from your personal physician. Readers are advised to consult their own doctors or other qualified health professionals regarding the treatment of medical conditions. The author shall not be held liable or responsible for any misunderstanding or misuse of the information contained in this book. The information is not indeed to diagnose, treat or cure any disease.

  It’s important to remember that the author of this book is not a doctor/therapist/medical professional. Only opinions based upon his own personal experiences or research are cited. The author does not offer medical advice or prescribe any treatments. For any health or medical issues – you should be talking to your doctor first.

  Please be aware that every e-book and “short read” I publish is truly written by me, with thoroughly researched content 100% of the time. Unfortunately, there’s a huge number of low quality, cheaply outsourced spam titles on Kindle non-fiction market these days, created by various Internet marketing companies. I don’t tolerate these books. I want to provide you with high quality, so if you think that one of my books/short reads can be improved in some way, please contact me at:

  [email protected]

  I will be very happy to hear from you, because you are who I write my books for!

  The Art of Reading People:

  INTRODUCTION: A RUDE AWAKENING

  CHAPTER ONE: THE IMPORTANCE OF READING PEOPLE

  CHAPTER TWO: THERE ARE NO SAINTS OR VILLAINS

  CHAPTER THREE: FOCUSING ON QUALITY OVER QUANTITY

  CHAPTER FOUR: HOW THE BAD GUYS GET IN

  CHAPTER FIVE: WHY WE HANG ON TO TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

  CHAPTER SIX: NARCISSISM AND THE DELUSION OF IMPORTANCE

  CHAPTER SEVEN: MACHIAVELLIANISM IS NOT JUST PRAGMATISM

  CHAPTER EIGHT: IT'S ALL ABOUT ME – SOLIPSISM EXPLORED

  CHAPTER NINE: ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITIES AND SOCIAL ORDER

  CHAPTER TEN: SHALLOW AFFECT AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

  CHAPTER ELEVEN: “EVIL” - SADISM AND SCHADENFREUDE

  CHAPTER TWELVE: SPOTTING A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN: THRILL-SEEKERS

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN: PSYCHOS, BORDERLINES, CODEPENDENCE - MENTAL HEALTH AND TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN: ISN'T IT SELFISH TO LOOK OUT FOR MYSELF?

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN: CULTIVATING OUTCOME INDEPENDENCE

  CONCLUSION

  Recommended Reading for You

  About The Author

  INTRODUCTION: A RUDE AWAKENING

  Everyone thinks they’re an expert about other people. Maybe even you do. I used to think the same thing for years and years. “I've been dealing with people my whole life, so how could I not know how to read people?” Until I reached that stage where life threw me a few hurdles, as it often does, those challenges forced me to reconsider my arrogance, invest in learning, and discover that almost everything I thought I knew might not be true.

  See, here’s the thing: We can't get better at something until we know our own limits.

  We don't really notice how challenged we are at reading people until we do such a bad job we're shocked at ourselves. Which is probably where you are right now. And I know it's hard. I've been there. But you're doing a great thing for yourself: you're taking the first step to truly understanding other people. Not just people who are like you, but people so completely different that until recently you probably never knew they existed.

  Fortunately, you don't have to go through it alone. Not only do you have this book as your guide, but, as I did, you will be surprised to find out how many other people are, or have been, in your position. And you will find endless support from them as you begin to learn how to read people.

  So even if right now you are still reeling from a painful end to a relationship, do not let that pain consume you. Do not give up on people. In learning to read them, you will learn who isn't on your side and you will also learn who is. You will learn how to avoid bad relationships, but also you will forge great relationships. Which is just as important.

  CHAPTER ONE: THE IMPORTANCE OF READING PEOPLE

  To understand why it is important to read people, and read them well, we must first know what it means to read people. Let's go to the cliché:

  “I read you like a book.”

  What does that mean? It means that we can see and understand the thoughts and motivations behind their actions as clearly as if they were written down on paper. It means that their secrets are clear to us, like someone is narrating them.

  Reading people, also known as social intelligence, involves looking at someone and seeing the deeper meaning behind their actions. We often like to think we are reading people. But in reality, we are usually only guessing. [1]

  How do we know we are guessing? Because when we read people “naturally” we’re really only empathizing with them. We interpret their emotions and take on their feelings are our own. And then we create our own stories around those feelings. Doing this presents a challenge.

  Don't misunderstand, I think empathy is a beautiful thing. Empathy ensures that we look after each other, that we do not cause undue harm, that we show care and consideration even for people outside of our immediate social circle. Empathy is the reason humans make great parents, or that charitable giving and volunteering makes the world a better place.

  But empathy can also give rise to solipsism or nihilism. Solipsism means to assume that your reality is the only “real” reality. When you are a solipsist, you act as though everything you perceive, think, and feel is objective. Which means that if someone else perceives, thinks, or feels differently, we judge them as “wrong”. [2]

  Being a nihilist is a little different. Nihilism denies that there is any distinct “real” or “subjective” reality. When you are a nihilist you act as though anything abstract lacks meaning. A problem arises with that perspective because to us everyone else's mind is abstract! We accidentally go back to solipsism. So, our “reality” becomes the rule and we dismiss everyone else's reality as a meaningless bit of abstract thought.

  When we try and read people naturally, using empathy, we aren't reading them at all. We are just judging them based on how we would feel, or what we would think if we were in their situation.

  This works very well when we are child-rearing or donating to charity. When someone can’t tell us what they think and feel, we must use our own thoughts and feelings to gain some perspective. This method also works well when we are interacting with people similar to ourselves.

  However, when a person knows us, is in front of us, and is intentionally deceiving us, empathy does not work!

&
nbsp; If deception occurs, we need to start being more analytical and start truly reading a person. When we begin reading them, we have to accept that this person may not be who they claim to be. They may be telling lies. Relating fake experiences. Showing fake feelings. Successful reading begins when we unravel their web of lies and get to the real reason behind it.

  To actually read someone we need to step outside our own shoes. Because the sort of person who fakes their emotions and lies about what they have experienced and what they think differs from us.

  Let's go back to my first experience with a liar. I don’t mean a normal person telling a lie, but someone who consistently, deliberately lied to get their own way. I was around seven or eight at the time, and this other kid at school was always winding me up.

  He would call me names, try and hurt me, try and steal my things. And as soon as I reported him to the teachers he masked his expression into the perfect poker face and said he didn't know anything about it. Sometimes he would cry and claim it was me who hurt him!

  I never understood it. Normally when kids fought at school they wanted it resolved as soon as possible. Other bullies I met throughout the years were proud of being bullies. This kid enjoyed hurting me, then lying about it every single time. I could not understand what he got out of it.

  I did not know this at the time, but he displayed some strong antisocial traits. Which meant he either had low empathy, or it was suppressed. And I could not understand his behavior because I used empathy to make sense of him. But empathy doesn't work on people without empathy!

  Throughout my life, I continued to meet these people. And every time I would try and “naturally read” them using empathy it would never work. Because empathy assumes that the person you are talking to actually feels the same emotion reflected on their face.

  People with empathy do sometimes lie, it's true. The difference lies with our intentions. We don’t like to lie. You can usually tell from looking at someone's face if they are lying or telling the truth. If they are comfortable or uncomfortable. If they are happy or sad.

  On the other hand, when you are talking to someone with little or no empathy, then even the emotions on their face are a lie.

  When that boy would start crying, at times I would worry he was genuinely upset. But when the teachers left, he stopped. When he claimed to be sorry I thought his face looked honest. Then he did the same thing again.

  I couldn't read him because I looked at him the same way I looked at normal kids. And he was not a normal kid.

  It took me years and years of meeting people like this before I began to notice something odd about them. Different. It wasn't until an ex-girlfriend accidentally revealed she led a double life that I connected all the dots.

  At first, when she spent more time away and money disappeared she would swear it was nothing. Then, when I found out she was stealing money from me to fund shopping sprees, she promised it would never happen again.

  Call me a fool, but this happened seven or eight times before I saw the truth. She was lying to my face. She would cry and ask for forgiveness and promise it would never happen again but do it the next day. And one day all the pieces fell into place. She was just like the boy who tried to bully me at school.

  After that, it became like shopping for a shiny new red car. You see red cars everywhere when you never noticed them before. I realized that deceptive people were everywhere, doing the same thing, not just to me, but to anyone who let them. Which meant, my ability to read them wasn’t as strong as I’d originally thought.

  Which brings us back to the central theme of this chapter. Why is it important to read people?

  It's important to read people because people lie.

  People lie with their words, but also with their actions, and with their expressions. Sometimes people lie for good reasons, or morally ambivalent reasons. We often call these “white lies”. Or they may lie for their own selfish gain.

  The result of a lie may be good, or neutral, or bad.

  We must be honest with ourselves. Can you ever be sure if a lie you've been told is truly helping you? Wouldn’t you rather know when someone is lying to you? And wouldn’t you like to unravel these lies and enjoy a more genuine experience of the world?

  Most of us go out of our way to uncover lies because they make us uncomfortable. Because we would prefer a painful truth.

  It’s usually not a problem because we can tell when someone is lying and address the issue. When the lie involves someone's thoughts, emotions, or motivations, we’re wading out into murky territory. In these situations, we sometimes can't confront the person directly.[3]

  Instead, we must observe them, interpret their lies, and adapt.

  So how do we even know if someone is lying about a personal issue? Many of us believe that “good” people are honest and “bad” people lie. There’s a flaw in that logic as we shall examine in the next chapter:

  Do we actually know who the Bad Guys are?

  CHAPTER TWO: THERE ARE NO SAINTS OR VILLAINS

  I know, it sounds pretty counter-intuitive, doesn't it? The problem with the “good person – bad person” dichotomy is that it’s really not effective. When we draw a line in the sand and insist everyone on one side is good and everyone on the other is bad we are turning people into characters. Of course, other people are characters, in a way. We cannot see their thoughts or their motivations. So, we project a sort of soap-opera identity onto them, often without even realizing it, so we can explain their behaviors.

  “Sandra is a preppy type of a girl, so it makes sense she would be into pop music.”

  This sort of thinking is okay. It has to be okay, because it is the only way we can get through everyday life. We don't live in anyone's head and we should not pretend to. We sort people into categories and social groups so that we can make sense of what they have done and try and guess at what they will do next. After all, the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior.

  The problem arises when we move from characters into “good guys” and “bad guys”.

  To make sense of our tendency toward categorization, we need to stop thinking of humans as characters and start thinking of humans as complicated social animals.

  The first time I did this was completely by accident. I had been talking about an ex-girlfriend to a mutual friend, when he mentioned that her new partner was a real “good guy”. My instinctive first thought? “Hey! I'm a good guy!” Realizing how insecure and defensive that thought was, I decided to explore it.

  Why was I predisposed to think of myself, and people I like, as “good guys”? And why were people I did not get along with and did not like labeled “bad guys”? Before I go on to my own discoveries, I want you to ask yourself the same questions.

  What makes a person good?

  What makes a person bad?

  Who are the good people in your life?

  Who are the bad people in your life?

  If you are a normal, healthy person, you might find, like I did, that there is a difference between the abstract concept of a “good” person and the people we consider “good” - and likewise where “bad” people are concerned. It is very normal to use big moral arguments, intention, and overall personality when we're talking about people we do not know. But then we use specific incidents and our personal relationship with people to define people we do know.

  The problem comes when we define the “good guys” and “bad guys” in our lives in a subjective way, we project all sorts of things onto them. [4]

  Take myself versus my ex's new boyfriend. I figured I was the “good guy” and penned her as a “bad guy”. Why? Because we had a bad breakup. Does a bad breakup make her actually bad? Of course not. However, it affected my perception of her. And it affected my perception of her new boyfriend. If she was bad, then he had to be a bad too because he was dating her, and they were happy.

  If you asked her, how would she identify the bad guy? Who would she identify the good guy? She marr
ied the new boyfriend, so I can confidently say that in her eyes, I was the bad guy, and he was the good guy.

  And to the rest of the world, like you reading this book, we are just people. We had a bad breakup. We aren't good or bad.

  If you look back on your own negative and positive relationships, you might find that there are some “bad guys” whose only crime is not getting along with you. Yes, there will be some “bad guys” like my school bully, or my shopaholic ex, who can be said to be morally, objectively, bad people. But most people we consider bad and good aren't saints or demons, they're just people we clash or click with.

  A huge part of reading people involves making this distinction!

  We can't just treat people we dislike as though they’re sociopaths or treat people we like as though they’re saints. Because a “bad guy” to us might just be a normal person we don't get along with. A sociopath might be lying to make themselves look charming. That is exactly how normal, healthy, empathetic people get suckered in.